Ruffled Feathers & Busted Beaks...

While it is the little things that make life amusing and make the greatest stories, they can also drive you insane with the stupidity and blatant annoying quirks. After a lapse since the last “Randumb 4 Prezident,” I have decided to issue the first edition of “Bust My Beak”, a column about those little things that people do that just…BUST MY BEAK

The first thing that that really busts my beak is when people insist on walking on the escalator…honestly folks, if you are in that big of a hurry, take the stairs and bound 2 or 3 at a time. I am trying to embrace and appreciate the entire point of the escalator…moving without doing anything. When steps are available as an alternative, I believe that there should be a 2 step allowance, to be used only at the end of the ride, to get in the motion of walking so you don’t stumble on solid ground. For the rest of you that actually insist on walking while on the escalator, let’s have a race…I will stand while you look like an ogre walking on moving steps…first one down is a wanker!

The next thing that busts my beak seems to always occur when I am dropping the Cosby kids off at the pool. There is always at least one guy that walks in, strolls along all the stalls, then peers in the gap while he aggressively jerks on the stall door. Hey buddy, it must surely be a little stick from the humidity…it couldn’t possibly be locked. Who would do that? Maybe the person whose legs are sticking out with his pants around his ankles…I realize that im only 5’8” and therefore lower to the ground with increased visibility, but is it so hard to bend down a tad as you walk in to check out which personal libraries are ‘occupado’? Seems simple enough, but every time there’s some bloke peeking in through the gap in the door, straight to the very core of my soul. Hey, Chuck from Budgeting, my eyes are up here!

The final thing currently busting my beak is the term “Walking Tacos.” If you grew up with a silver spoon in your mouth, I’m talking about all the classic taco ingredients mixed up in a bag of Doritos or Fritos instead of a taco shell. I know I grew up in po’dunk Iowa, where a meth lab explosion would eliminate over 3/4th of the town, but we simply called them what they are…Tacos In A Bag. The term Walking Taco cannot be used to define such a creative delicacy. Why, you ask? Because all tacos can be eaten while walking. Look no further than Taco Bell. Tacos are wrapped up and can easily be enjoyed while in motion. However, the term Taco In A Bag is not ambiguous. You get exactly that…a taco…in a bag. Need further convincing? Then look no further than the Iowa State Fair. Some of Iowa’s greasiest foods are served up for the public, yet, do you order a “Walking Porkchop”, “Walking Turkey Leg”, or “Walking Deep-Fried Twinkie/Snickers”? Absolutely not, partly because anything with “walking” is a bad marketing campaign when your target market is severely obese individuals wearing tank tops to show of their Tasmanian Devil tattoo! They are named by what they actually are… “(Whatever) On A Stick.” Food of this sort should be defined solely on its packaging/presentation. Besides, what if you choose to consume your purchase while sitting, simply standing still, or even riding an escalator (assuming you’re not the bloody wanker walking on it)? Your taco isn’t “Walking” anymore, in fact it’s quite stationary…but LOOK, it’s still “IN A BAG”! If you are one of the many that use the term “Walking Taco” instead of “Taco In A Bag”, then I hope you are enlightened to change your misguided ways. Otherwise, you may as well go down and get yourself a Tasmanian Devil tattoo and a mullet cut…Business up front…Ignorance in the back!

Remember, no matter how good she looks...there's somebody, somewhere that's tired of putting up with her shit!

--Scotty